


inhale, exhale

by ewagan



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 15:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6084774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ewagan/pseuds/ewagan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes people grow up and life is more disappointing and tiring than they imagined it to be, but change only happens when you take steps to change it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	inhale, exhale

Sousuke counts the steps when he walks. On an average day, he walks maybe 8,271 steps. It's 1,374 steps to the train station from home, then another 2,792 steps to the office from the station. It's 264 steps from his office to the coffee shop where he picks up his coffee (black, with a splash of cream and half a packet of brown sugar), then maybe 2,523 steps across the busy intersection and past a couple of blocks to the station platform.

He works nine hours a day, five days a week and forty nine weeks a year. His life is measured in numbers and he accepts it, content to stay where he is.

He doesn't know when it changes, nor does he note when the tall man with green eyes starts frequenting his preferred coffee shop. Their schedules overlap just a little, from when Sousuke joins the line behind him and the man offers him a tentative smile. He seems to always wear the same suit - a charcoal blazer with a blue tie - but the man's drinks vary except for the fact they always seemed to have chocolate powder on them. Some days it's an iced chocolate, other days a vanilla latte or a mango smoothie. Occasionally, the too cheerful blond barista persuades him into trying some new concoction that he's cooked up, assuring "Mako-chan" that it won't be too sweet or too strawberry-ey. Sousuke doesn't care very much for variation, so he sticks to his (mostly) black coffee. Also, he finds, the drinks the blond comes up with are too sweet for his liking the one time he ventures to try it. (He almost spat it out at the first sip, but some form of manners his mother attempted to drill into him must have stuck, because all he did was grimace and walk out. He never finished that drink.)

Sousuke pays and leaves a tip, though it's certainly not because of the blond barista's relentless cheerfulness or friendliness. He collects his drink and walks out with the tall man, their shoulders grazing each other's sometimes. They stand and wait at the traffic light, shuffling awkwardly as people push them closer and closer. The light changes and the throng of people force them to move even closer, surging across the road as chirpy teenagers and tired office workers make their way home. From there it's a couple of blocks to the train station. Down the steps and more people join them, flooding in from various entrances. Sousuke pushes his way through the crowd easily enough because of his size, muttering _sorry_ and _excuse me_ under his breath as he does so. Through the turnstiles and then onto the platform, where the train just coming in through the tunnel. The man with green eyes hurriedly boards the train heading in the opposite direction from Sousuke's as his train comes screeching into the station. He checks his watch as he boards the train and it tells him what he already knows; they spent precisely twenty one minutes together, not quite looking and not talking. The doors close as a female voice reminds them not to lean against the door. The train jerks to a start and gradually picks up speed as Sousuke slumps in his seat, more tired than he has reason to be.

 

* * *

 

His mornings start the same. His alarm blares loudly at 6.55 A. M. and he wakes up staring at the ceiling. He throws off the covers and stumbles out of bed. As he gets ready for work, the television cheerfully announces yet another murder or rape. He eats his breakfast to the sound of the too chirpy weatherwoman enthusiastically predicting sunny skies or rainy days, while doling out advice that Sousuke has no use for. He washes the dishes and turns off the television, then he leaves for work.

It's September now and the sweltering heat of summer is beginning to give way to the brisk chill of autumn. He stops by the corner shop and picks up the paper, handing money to the stuttering clerk before he continues to the station. He counts his steps as he descends the stairs, making it to the platform just as the train is arriving. The train is packed with people and Sousuke gets on, enduring jostling limbs and elbows in his ribs as he reads his paper, ignoring the sway and bumps of the train as it speeds through the city.

In the morning, it's Ryuugazaki who's usually behind the counter and Sousuke much prefers him to the blond, who seems to be blessed with an endless amount of energy regardless of time of day. Sousuke simply cannot deal with so much happiness at that hour in the morning; it wears him out before his day has even begun. Ryuugazaki might have been a bit eccentric, but he is efficient and does not require more interaction than a polite nod. Sousuke pays and tips, then he drinks his coffee as he walks to the office.

He arrives at his desk the chatter of his co-workers, to whom he usually pays no mind. One of his juniors greet him enthusiastically and perches on his desk, blathering on about dinner or something to welcome the newest arrival to their department. Sousuke sighs as he puts his briefcase down, settling in his chair as Momotarou continues on about the new guy, who is transferring over from another department. "Momo, you do realize that you're supposed to turn in the project report in an hour, yes?" Sousuke cuts in, not even bothering to look at the redhead. Momotarou pouts and slinks off to his desk, seemingly to finish said report as the rest of the office settles into yet another day of work.

When Sousuke is eyeballs deep in writing an analysis report, Mikoshiba barges in and announces the new arrival in his loud voice. Sousuke barely looks up from his report, not really registering the introductions until Mikoshiba comes around to his desk. "... Sousuke, who is technically the head of department because I'm usually stuck in meetings." Sousuke finally looks up, prepared to scowl at Mikoshiba but finds himself looking at someone very familiar. The tentative smile is recognizable as are the green eyes. Mikoshiba has his best smile plastered on his face and Sousuke narrows his eyes at him, because Mikoshiba was supposed to be the one doing the report Sousuke is currently working on.

"Yamazaki Sousuke." He offers, inclining his head. "Nice to meet you."

"Tachibana Makoto." The man bows. "Please take care of me."

Tachibana, huh? It explained the "Mako-chan", though _god_ it sounded patronizing. At least now he wasn't the guy from the coffee shop anymore. After a few more pleasantries, Sousuke turns back to his report and Tachibana is allowed to settle into his cubicle. Mikoshiba disappears, presumably to attend to some important meeting with the sales department. Sousuke loses himself in a sea of letters and numbers, only surfacing briefly for lunch before he dives back in.

Later, he pointedly declines the invitation to the welcome dinner, but Mikoshiba overrules him and enlists Momo's help in bullying him into coming. Sousuke scowls at the two of them and wonders which idiot in HR ever let the two siblings work in the same department as he is firmly deposited in the most difficult seat to get out of, with both Mikoshibas on either side of him and Seijuurou declaring that he was going to make sure Sousuke had some fun even if it killed him. As everyone else settles down, Sousuke fixes Mikoshiba with his best glare but it bounces off him as he looms over Tachibana, who has unfortunately been seated on Mikoshiba's other side. He begins asking questions, which sets everyone off. Tachibana is clearly uncomfortable at all the attention as questions are fired in his direction. His whole life story comes pouring out under the deluge of questions, from how he lived in the same small town for years to the death of his pet goldfish when he was six, how he's only moved to the city in the last year to how his tie was actually a gift from his younger siblings. The girls coo at that and the topic of conversation shifts away from him, much to Tachibana's obvious relief.

The party goes on until Sousuke decides he's had enough, standing up and muscling his way through both Mikoshibas until he's free from that horrendous seat to use the restroom. When he returns, the party is breaking up as they pay the bill and file out.

The temperature has dropped considerably over the course of dinner and there is a definite chill in the air, signalling that summer is well and truly coming to an end. He doesn't say a word to Tachibana as they walk together, shoulders bumping from time to time as they trudge to the station. Tachibana seems content to not talk as well, seemingly mulling something over. Sousuke mourns the lack of coffee that evening, but it is far too late for him to be drinking coffee at this hour.

They part at the train platform with good nights and a smile from Tachibana. Sousuke's breath fogs up the window as the trains pulls out, Tachibana's train carrying him in an opposite direction and further away. Sousuke wonders why he feels empty and maybe a bit lonely when he thinks about that.

The train rattles as it makes its way across the city.

 

* * *

 

Kisumi's voice cuts through his thoughts as he whines about work, slumping at the bar while he fiddles with his empty glass. Sousuke raises his hand to get the bartender's attention while Kisumi continues, ordering a gin and tonic to replace his scotch on the rocks and another White Russian for Kisumi. The chatter in the bar remains at a low volume, the patrons busy with their own conversations while a singer sings jazz tunes in her smoky voice, accompanied only by a pianist.

"It's just been a really shitty week." Kisumi concludes his tale as he slumps on the bar, his head cradled in his arms. Sousuke wonders how he got here, because he doesn't really know Kisumi all that well. They're friends, he supposes. After a fashion of sorts, they were friends. Not the same way he and Rin were friends, but Rin has always been an exception of sorts, with his fierce grin and open friendliness. Rin isn't here, however. He's chasing his Olympic dream and Sousuke is glad for him and immensely proud of him for what he has achieved so far, because Rin has gone ahead and done what he could not do. He's surmounted impossible challenges and come out better for it, where Sousuke has failed and given up, content to let his life be counted in numbers where Rin's is counted in moments.

It still doesn't explain why or how he's here with Kisumi, like he is every Friday evening. They're at a bar called _Splash_ that's a couple of blocks away from the station Sousuke gets off at, but in the complete opposite direction of his apartment. They drink and Kisumi complains, while Sousuke broods and pretends he's listening. (Well, he is, but he pretends he doesn't.)

Kisumi groans gratefully when another drink is placed in front of him, while Sousuke downs half of his drink in one gulp. Kisumi eyes him blearily as he cradles the glass in his hands. "You have it good, you know? Practically head of the department, with a promotion undoubtedly on the way. Good pay, no shitty boss who nags you all day." Kisumi sighs.

And Sousuke wonders if he does, because being the unspoken head of the department means picking up the slack. It means late nights and overtime, encouraging his juniors and finishing the reports Mikoshiba can't. It means enforcing deadlines in the most heartless manner possible and giving people birthday cards on the right dates. It means training the interns and helping the new staff, though at the moment it's only Tachibana and he seems capable enough at his job without Sousuke interfering. It's reading and reviewing reports that no one really cares about, crunching numbers and analyzing data. He supposes that's why he drinks with Kisumi, so that he can pretend he doesn't care for a couple of hours, that his life now is perfectly dandy.

"It's not so bad." He says after a while, watching the tired bartender wipe another glass clean. Kisumi snorts into his drink, clearly skeptical. Then again, Kisumi has to run around the city, meeting with clients at all hours of the day. Sousuke decides that these thoughts are too heavy as he drains his glass, the gin burning down his throat.

"I'm going to get smashed." He announces as he flags the bartender down for something distinctly more alcoholic. Kisumi joins him, ordering shots for both of them.

The singer starts a new song, crooning about lost love this time.

 Sousuke drinks more than he probably should.

 

* * *

 

His birthday was supposed to be a non-affair. The key word here being _was_. Instead, he finds himself being dragged out to a karaoke bar by a enthusiastic Momotarou, claiming that it would be fun despite all Sousuke's deadpan rebuttals to the contrary. Somehow, he manages to coax half the department into joining them, and Sousuke resigns himself to a night of terrible singing and overpriced drinks.

He winds up sharing a table with Tachibana and both Mikoshibas, and he curses his fate. Fairly early on, the Mikoshibas tag team him and bully him into singing, cheering too loudly and far too drunkenly for the little amount of alcohol they have consumed. He's not nearly drunk enough for this, so he steals Momotarou's cocktail and downs it, making a face while Momo sputters and he wonders how Momo could possibly stomach a drink nearly that sweet.

"I'm not nearly drunk enough for this and I have no idea what song our beloved boss has chosen, so my apologies in advance." He glares at Mikoshiba and gets a catcall for his efforts before the music kicks in, some loud lively number that has been playing constantly in department stores and a song that Sousuke absolutely deplores. But he soldiers on, because it is his birthday and maybe Mikoshiba is right. It wouldn't kill him to let loose once in a while.

He finishes the song to wild applause and hooting, which escalates as Mikoshiba takes the mic from him. Momo's drink must have been more alcoholic that it tasted, because the room is a pleasant blur of sound and lights as Sousuke makes his way back to their table. Momo is excitedly talking to Tachibana, who's got a smile on his face. Momo's face lights up when he sees Sousuke, quick to sling an arm around his shoulders despite being almost a head shorter than him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you tonight's star!" He announces to no one in particular. Tachibana chuckles and Sousuke wonders what his laughter sounds like. He shrugs Momo's arms off and slides back into his seat, where Tachibana smiles at him.

"That was pretty good." He compliments, and Sousuke smiles for what was probably the first time since he's met Tachibana. The look on Tachibana's face is well worth it, and Sousuke's smile turns into a grin.

The best part of it, he thinks, is the soft look in Tachibana's eyes and the sound of Tachibana's surprised laughter.

 

* * *

 

By the time November rolls around, the leaves are falling in earnest. Some of them still stubbornly cling on to the trees, like tenacious children who won't let go of their favourite toys. Sousuke has taken to wearing a coat, though it's not nearly as thick or as warm as the one he wears during winter. He still gets up in the morning to go to work, though some days he feels almost too tired. The days blur into each other in an endless cycle of reports, analyses and meetings, punctuated by occasional phone calls from Rin and his mother, both who fret at him as if he's still an eight year old with skinned knees and a permanent scowl. He tells them that he's twenty-six, a grown man with a steady job that pays well and definitely capable of looking after himself, thank you very much. Rin clicks his tongue and changes the topic, while his mother will go on fretting regardless what Sousuke says.

He still counts his steps, using them as a measure of normalcy in his life. He ignores the ache in his shoulder that makes its presence more known as the weather gets colder, reminding him of his failures as he trudges to work and back. Tachibana has proven surprisingly intelligent and efficient at his work, much to Sousuke's approval and less than obvious pleasure.

He still leaves the office at the same time as Tachibana and they go down to get their coffee together. Tachibana's drinks tend more towards the chocolate side of things, favouring mochas as the winter air begins to set in. They leave the coffee shop, walking side by side as they have done for months now. Sometimes they talk about meaningless things as they walk. They talk about the weather, the news. Sometimes they talk about their friends and families. Tachibana mentions a Haru-chan with an astounding frequency. Sousuke never says very much about Rin beyond a glancing comment about a friend who was going pro.

Sousuke remembers Tachibana's birthday and gives him a small box of chocolates as a gift. Tachibana's green eyes were wide with surprise and so openly happy that Sousuke is taken aback, so he mutters something about it being his job to remember these things and goes back to his report. Later as they walk to the station, Tachibana tells Sousuke that it's okay to use his first name, if he wants to, that is.

_Makoto._ The syllables rolls off his tongue easily, somehow familiar and comfortable. They part at the platform as they always do, bidding each other good night. Sousuke's reflection in the train window stares back at him and he wonders if he's happy like this, if this was what Rin meant when he said life should be counted in moments that matter.

 

* * *

 

As Christmas draws closer and closer, Momo decides that they need to have a Christmas party. Perhaps a _company_ Christmas party. Sousuke disagrees. Vehemently.

"But Yamazaki-san, think about how much _fun_ it could be!" Momo exclaims, gesturing wildly. Sousuke ducks his head to avoid being smacked across the nose.

"Who the hell's going to pay for it?" He deadpans, ungraciously pushing Momo off his desk. He needs the files Momo had perched his pretty little arse on.

"Yamazaki-san, don't be mean!" Momo wails. He sniffs and continues on. "I know some people from Accounting, and it's not like we can't handle the money. I mean, it's what we _do._ " Momo continues gesticulating. Sousuke resists the urge to grab his hands and smack the back of his head. "Anyways, not all of us are allergic to fun, unlike _some_ people."

"I don't want to hear that from someone who's late with a report I needed yesterday, thank you very much." Sousuke gives Momo a pointed look and goes back to shuffling through his files.

"Oh, boo." Momo grumbles under his breath. "Well, if you're not going to help, I'll ask Tachibana-san. _He'll_ definitely help me, and he's not allergic to fun." Momo sticks his tongue out and flounces off, much to Sousuke's relief and dismay. Makoto seems to have a chronic inability to say no to people who ask him for help, and it's something that's a source of headache Sousuke can feel building up. He attributes most of it to having spent more than two minutes talking to Momo as he watches Makoto capitulate to Momo's wheedling.

Sousuke pinches the bridge of his nose and goes back to work, because god knows that someone has to do whatever else the rest of them didn't. A few days later, the planning is in full swing, happily backed by the older Mikoshiba and several other department heads. Even the senior partners approve.

Sousuke grumbles under his breath and buries himself in paperwork, ignoring the invitation card with extravagantly curly font that borders upon pretentiousness. The card invites him (and his date, which Momo has apparently scrawled out and scribbled a laughing emoticon on) to participate in the company's _Winter Solstice Celebration_. On the flip side, Momo's handwriting greets him. _I RSVP'd for you already, so you better be there. Don't bother with the date, we know you're destined to never get married and be single forever._

Momo prances around the office like a Christmas elf as he continues doling out the invitations to everyone, a ridiculously wide smile pasted on his face. Sousuke throws a ball of paper at the back of his head.

It doesn’t miss.

 

* * *

 

All things considered, it ends up being a much more modest affair than Sousuke had expected. Perhaps it was because Makoto had been helping with the organization and managed to curb Momo's exuberance with some more level headed suggestions. Not to say it wasn't impressive, but at least it wasn't extravagant the way the invitation had implied it would be, probably courtesy of Momo's tendencies towards being over the top. Sousuke refrains from making a jibe about how Momo could stand to show the same amount of gusto and downright brilliance in his work, because Sousuke knows that Momo is far more capable than he looks.

Even so, it's still a fairly formal affair since Momo has managed to rope in most, if not all the company into showing up. The ladies are beautifully dressed in silks and shawls; the men in nice suits or tuxedos. Soft chatter and laughter fill the room as waiters with trays of tiny appetizers and drinks whisk by. Behind them, there's a multitude of tables covered in white tablecloths, each with a stand that proclaims the table's number in elegant silver font.

For the most part, Sousuke sits back and watches, though he does engage in the occasional conversation. Momo is practically sparkling with happiness at the success of the party even as he runs from one end of the room to the other. Makoto is breathless when he finally comes by to where Sousuke is. They don't talk, not really. Sousuke can feel how warm Makoto is next to him, solid and real in a way many things haven't been for a while.

Sousuke counts the number of breaths he takes before Makoto breaks the silence. "I'm so glad that this turned out so well." He turns to Sousuke, almost as if he was a puppy seeking approval and praise for doing something right.

Sousuke obliges, nodding slightly. "You guys did pretty great." He offers with a small smile. "I'm impressed." Makoto's answering smile is brilliant. Sousuke suppresses the urge to lean forward and kiss him, to see if his lips are as soft as they look.

Someone from Marketing announces that dinner will be served soon and directs everyone to take their seats. Sousuke's table is empty when he gets there, but soon it fills up with some department heads and one of the senior partners. The wives titter as the men talk. Sousuke joins them in making stilted small talk as they discuss politics and current events, cracking a few jokes here and there.

He notices Makoto a few tables away, chatting easily to the people he's with. When dinner is over and they open the floor for dancing, he sits alone at his table while the women and men glide around in some semblance of a waltz. He declines several dance requests politely, choosing instead to watch Makoto's inability to say no make an appearance again as girl after girl asks him to dance with them. Something like longing twists in his chest but he ignores it and attributes it to his bad shoulder.

After half an hour, Sousuke decides he's had enough of sitting here and feeling alone and sorry for himself. He gets his coat and leaves, not bothering with goodbyes. He gets into a cab that smells like stale cigarettes and alcohol, and the cabbie swears as he weaves in and out of traffic. Even at this late hour, traffic doesn't budge as they hit the city centre. After ten minutes of sitting in the cab, Sousuke gets off near his office block and walks to the station.

For the first time in a long while, he walks this path without Makoto by his side. Snow starts to fall, adding to the foot or so that covers the city pavements. The wind howls and Sousuke turns his collar up against the wind, shoving his hands deep in his pocket. His ears are red from the cold as he trudges on tiredly, shops closing up as he passes by them.

The station is mostly empty, save for a few worn looking men and exhausted teenagers leaning against pillars as they wait for the train to come in. Even the train seems tired when it pulls up to the platform. Sousuke gets on and he stares at his reflection in the train's window. It stares back at him, as if to ask if he is happy again. And he knows what the answer is no, not in this suspended state of waiting. He's still waiting for something to happen, for his hard work to come to fruition, for the dreams he's given up to make themselves real. And he knows they won't, not the way he wants for them to come true.

He gets off at his stop and pulls his coat tighter around himself. The corner shop where he gets his morning paper is still open, so Sousuke goes in. He's not sure why he doesn't just keep walking and go home, or rather he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He stands in front of the cooler and finally picks up a carton of milk, though he hardly needs it.

The clerk is the same one he gets his morning paper from. There's concern and worry in his blue eyes as he rings up Sousuke's purchase. Sousuke counts out his money wearily.

"A-are you okay, sir?" The clerk flinches when Sousuke looks up at him, and Sousuke can't decide if it's because of his facial expression or because the clerk is timid. He offers the clerk a worn smile.

"Yeah, I think so." He puts the coins on the counter and slides it to the clerk, whom he notices has a beauty mark at the corner of one of his eyes.

"You just look really sad." The clerk mumbles, as if he doesn't mean for Sousuke to hear it. Sousuke raises an eyebrow and the clerk blushes. "I'm s-sorry. I didn't mean it that way." He stammers an apology. "Forgive my rudeness." He bows hastily and repeatedly, while Sousuke makes an attempt to calm him down.

"It's fine, really." He tries to reassure the other man. The clerk looks like he's almost in tears as he makes another apology, handing Sousuke his purchase with a bow. He's still apologizing when Sousuke leaves the shop.

The walk home is silent, the wind having stopped. Snow is still falling thickly as Sousuke walks. His shoes are ruined and his coat is wet, he's going home to an empty apartment and a cold bed. He knows that he's more unhappy than he's been for a long time, with only his routine to keep him clinging to some semblance of normalcy.

It's 973 steps back to his apartment. When his door closes behind him, Sousuke just slumps to the floor, his head hitting the door. He's cold, wet, tired, and unhappy, alone in an empty apartment where he keeps wishing for someone to hold him or even just to stop feeling so lonely. Maybe the clerk was right he's just really, really sad.

It takes him a long time to will his limbs into motion, to undress and take a hot shower before he collapses in bed. He doesn't cry, not really. A few tears slide down his cheek as he closes his eyes and falls into a restless sleep.

 

* * *

 

Christmas comes and goes. Momo sends him a cheerful seasonal greeting, complete with emoticons and exclamation marks. Sousuke neglects to reply it. Kisumi invites him out for dinner and they end up in some upscale restaurant in the middle of the city, eating sushi and talking about meaningless things. Kisumi tells him about a new job he's applying for, and how he's met some girl or another and how he think she's "the one". Sousuke makes the appropriate noises and comments in the right places. They continue on to _Splash_ , where Kisumi downs sugary sweet cocktails and chatters on while Sousuke nurses his whiskey. He kind of hates Kisumi for how well things are going in his life, whereas all he has is an empty apartment that echoes and a dying houseplant.

He calls his mother. They talk about mundane things. She tells him about the neighbour's youngest child getting married, Sousuke indulges her as she rambles on about the neighbour's grandchildren and laughs when she asks if he's got a girlfriend. Her hopeful tone only makes him smile wryly as he tells her that no, he doesn't have a girlfriend. Then she asks about someone special, which Sousuke also says no to. She sighs and asks him to come home for New Year's. He makes a non-committal response, but he says he'll try. It's the same thing he said last year, but maybe this year he'll actually try.

Rin drops by and they spend a day playing video games, which Sousuke beats Rin in soundly. When settle on the couch with takeout for dinner, Sousuke doesn't tell Rin about his general unhappiness, because it's difficult to explain he's just unhappy for no apparent reason. Rin knows it anyways, because that's what best friends are for. He stays the night and they play more video games, until Rin complains of sore thumbs and tired eyes.

In the morning, Rin insists on going to the pool and Sousuke refuses. They settle it through jan-ken-pon, which Rin obviously wins. He forces Sousuke to go to the pool with him, where Sousuke watches Rin swim lap after lap while he dangles his toes in the water. Soon, he stops paying attention and lets the splash of water lull him into a state of drowsiness. He doesn't see Rin come towards where he is until it's too late and he's choking on chlorine water while Rin laughs. He tries to catch Rin, but Rin's too fast for him and they splash water at each other like they're five again. Later, they drift aimlessly in the pool, alone because Rin has chosen to come at 7 A. M. in winter. As he stares up at the skylight that was gradually brightening, he quietly admits to Rin that maybe he wants something more than numbers and a boring, predictable routine out of life.

"Then go for it." Is Rin's reply, delivered in that careless way only Rin can manage. Sousuke is frustrated, because it's not that simple. He's never been like Rin, able to reach out for what he wants and grab it. He's tried, and all he's ever gotten out of it are ruined dreams and a bad shoulder. He’s tried and he’s failed and if he tries again he’ll have more broken things in his hands and he doesn’t know how to put the pieces back together. Agitated, he heads for the edge of the pool and pulls himself out as he tries to voice out what he's thinking. Rin follows him and they sit by the edge of the pool, silent and tense.

"It's not that simple." He begins, because he doesn't want to try and want something so badly and then have it fail again. He doesn't want to pick up anymore pieces and try again and again. His fists curl tightly in his lap. "I- just. It's not that simple. Things aren't that simple." He repeats. Rin cuts him off with a scowl.

"It is that simple, you dumbass. You know what you want, so what's stopping you?" Rin clicks his tongue in irritation. Sousuke wants to protest, but Rin barrels on anyways. "Hell, it's not easy. It's not going to go your way. You'll fall down more times than you can count. But you know what? If you want it badly enough, you won't care. You'll do whatever it takes." Rin softens as he looks at Sousuke. "We're not in high school anymore, Sousuke. Things are different now."

"I know." The words come out tired, and Sousuke feels the fight go out of him. "I know, but it doesn't make it any easier." He doesn't say what he really wants to say. _I've failed before, so what's going to change this time?_ He wants to yell the words into the empty natatorium, hear them echo with the anger and frustration he's held back for years, watching passively as Rin chased his dreams. But he doesn't have the strength or the will to anymore, so he leans against Rin instead. He's just so tired now.

He doesn't protest when Rin's arms circle him and pull him into a hug. "I just want you to be happy." Rin murmurs, the stupid romantic sap that he is.

Sousuke makes a noise something like a choked sob.

 

* * *

 

In the days leading up to New Year's, Sousuke doesn't do much. He cooks. He cleans. He throws out the mostly dead plant on his kitchen counter. He watches television. He greets his neighbours when they spot him getting the morning paper. He sits on the balcony and watches the snow fall until his hands and face are numb. Those are the days he gets out of bed. Other days, he stays in bed and wallows in misery. He vacillates between the two states and wonders when and how did he get to this point, when everything is just so exhausting.

He writes his mother a letter in apology for not coming home for New Year's. He doesn't post it. He almost doesn't go to the shrine, but it is a new year. The crowds almost make him regret coming, but he pushes through easily because of his size. After clapping his hands and announcing himself to the gods, he bows his head and prays for good fortune in the year ahead. He doesn't believe in these things anymore, if he is entirely honest. But there is a comfort in observing a tradition from his childhood, so he queues up to get his fortune. The excited chatter of children and whooping of those who have gotten good fortunes fill the air. A miko hands him a tiny scroll of paper and he thanks her, dropping his five yen in the box for this purpose.

Instead of opening it, he shoves it in his pocket and leaves the shrine, wandering around until he comes to an empty park. The stillness is comforting and Sousuke wants to be alone. He just doesn't want to be lonely, but he's never been very good at that. He sags down onto an empty bench near the playground and pulls out his fortune, smoothing out the paper as he unrolls it, squinting to see the tiny words printed on it.

_Great Fortune_. It proclaims in bold calligraphy. _Change is coming and you should embrace it. Take this chance to change your life and go for what you want. Don't be afraid to take the first step._

He reads it again and again, until the words stop making sense. Sousuke leans back and looks up at the sky, the slip of paper still in his hands. _Maybe,_ he thinks, _this time will be different._ Maybe this time, he will finally get what he wants. But it's just a stupid fortune, ultimately useless and spewing the things what people want to hear.

The snow falls down silently, looking like off season cherry blossoms. 

 

* * *

 

January finds him somewhat less tired and maybe a little hopeful as he puts on his suit and gets ready for work. The news is grim as ever and the weatherwoman is still too chirpy, but it doesn't bother him as much as it normally does. He leaves for work in a fairly good mood, stopping by the corner shop to pick up his paper. As he queues at the counter to pay for his morning paper, it hits him.

He's unapproachable because of his size, made worse by the fact that he rarely smiles. Sure, he doesn't want or need too many people or friends the way Momo does, but he does need some. He has Rin, but Rin isn't always here when Sousuke needs him, though he's never further than a phone call or mail away. He has Kisumi, who sometimes feels more like an acquaintance than a friend. And Sousuke is just so, so tired of being lonely.

Something has to change.

_He_ has to change.

So he smiles at the clerk and greets him as he hands over the money for his paper, and the clerk blushes furiously and stammers a greeting in return. He thanks the clerk and leaves him wide-eyed and gaping slightly as he walks to the station.

1,334 steps.

He gets off the train and hurries out into the street. Ryuugazaki has his coffee made by the time he gets to the counter, Sousuke thanks him and receives a puzzled "No problem." as a response. It feels _good_ , he realizes as he walks into his building's lobby. He's been cutting himself off from people for so long that it feels good to reach out again and to feel the loneliness go away.

As he walks into the office, he's assaulted by Momo, who complains loudly about not having received any response to his seasonal messages from Sousuke. Sousuke apologizes for his rudeness and Momo trips himself in shock, almost spilling Sousuke's coffee over them both. Sousuke rolls his eyes and shoos Momo off, who is looking at Sousuke like he's grown a pair of wings and is wearing neon tights with a glittery tutu.

As he settles into his chair, Sousuke turns on his computer. He is contemplative as the screen comes to life. It was time for a change, his fortune had said. He fingers the slip of paper in his pocket, which is looking rather battered from all the handling. He could start with the small things, he supposes as his computer finishes booting up and he begins his work day.

Perhaps he would finally stop counting his life in numbers - in steps and in breaths - and learn to count the moments that matter.

 

* * *

 

He gets off work slightly later than usual because of an impromptu discussion with Mikoshiba, and he's surprised to find Makoto still waiting for him. They leave together, walking in silence to the coffee shop. Makoto gets a mint chocolate while Sousuke gets his coffee, then they leave together as Nagisa bids them a cheerful good night. Sousuke is painfully aware of the silence between them and he knows that he wants. He doesn't know very much else, but he knows he wants Makoto in his life, and more than just a colleague or a friend.

Street. Intersection. Red light. Stop.

As they wait, he looks over at Makoto and he hears Rin's voice in his head, telling him that it _is_ that simple. All he has to is just reach out and grab it. He takes a deep breath and looks away, his eyes anywhere but Makoto. Sousuke is not a man to be afraid of approaching people, but he is nervous as he calls Makoto's name.

"Makoto."

"Hm?"

"Have dinner with me tonight?"

"What?"

"Have dinner. With me. Tonight." He stresses the words, as if speaking to a child. He still can't look at Makoto, not really. A sidelong glance tells him that Makoto has turned to face him, and Sousuke finds it hard to meet his gaze.

The light turns green. Pedestrians part around them like a river parting around a rock, making irritated noises. Sousuke cannot hear them, nor can he hear the relentless honking of cars and the sounds of a city in the middle of rush hour. All of his senses are tuned towards Makoto, and anything else is pointless.

"Is this supposed to be a date?" Makoto asks softly. His eyes are so very green, and Sousuke nods jerkily. It's so difficult to speak when Makoto looks at him like this, with that guileless, trusting look in his eyes.

Finally, Makoto smiles. "I thought you'd never ask."

Something in Sousuke's chest unfurls and he smiles. They start walking again, their shoulders bumping every now and again. He smiles when Makoto's fingers lace between his own, and he knows that he never wants to let this go.

 

* * *

 

Makoto eases his way into Sousuke's life, and suddenly his every moment is full. At work, he sometimes finds notes with Makoto's handwriting, reminding him to take a break because he works too hard. He walks home with Makoto's hand in his, large and warm and reassuring. Sometimes they go out for dinner near the office, other times Sousuke cooks for them. Makoto does the dishes, and afterward they make out on the couch, the kind of making out that happens when people wake up early in the morning or late at night in a quiet alley as the city carries on, oblivious to two people terribly, hopelessly in love.

Other things change too. Mikoshiba gets transferred out to another branch. They throw a farewell party for him, with cake, karaoke and the whole works. Sousuke is promoted to head of the department to replace him. He and Makoto celebrate with a weekend together, content to stay in Sousuke's apartment and not leave.

Rin was right, because it is so simple. He has everything he wants in his reach. He still walks home from work with Makoto every evening. Their trains still head in opposite directions, but sometimes he follows Makoto home, or Makoto gets on his train. Makoto's hand is never far from his, and though both of them agree that neither cares very much for public displays of affection, their hands still reach for each other's easily.

Most mornings he wakes up tangled with Makoto, warm and soft and everything that he wants. He runs his fingers across Makoto's back when they brush their teeth together, he steals kisses as they get ready for work. He's happy like this, pressing kisses to Makoto's knuckles as they're falling asleep, his head in Makoto's lap as he reviews yet another report because he never gets to finish his work in the office.

He discovers really strange things about Makoto. Despite his stature and height, Makoto is far, far too easily scared. He's twitchy in the dark, apprehensive about strange noises, downright fearful when they're going somewhere unfamiliar and it's dark. Sousuke laughs whenever Makoto gets jumpy about the smallest things, pulling him into a kiss until Makoto forgets that there is something to fear. He finds out that Makoto has it in him to say no, though why it only applies to mackerel baffles Sousuke. He doesn't question it, just crosses mackerel off his shopping list. He's never cared very much for mackerel.

He discovers that Makoto can't cook much more than rice and maybe an egg, which amuses him because Makoto is so good at looking after people in any other aspect. He worries over Sousuke's wellbeing and frets about the laundry, and he cleans up Sousuke's apartment though there's not much to clean. Sousuke teases Makoto about it sometimes as he fixes them dinner, while Makoto gets flustered.

It's not perfect, but it's something and Sousuke has learned to take something over nothing. He takes lazy kisses when they're both falling asleep, waking up with their fingers intertwined, the feel of Makoto's skin underneath his fingertips. He takes the days as they come, quiet and easy as time passes them by and winter turns to spring and then to summer.

He still counts the steps he makes and the breaths he takes, because now they measure the moments of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. <3
> 
> You can also reach me on twitter @ewagan.


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